November 20, 2000

Nov 19 11:26 p.m.

i have received numerous emails from persons telling me about their life .

it seems many things are universal.

what does : ‘ i love you but i am not IN love with you.’ mean, anyway?

has anyone here said this or had this said to them?

please tell me.

also, is it cool for a guy to have an intimate relationship with a woman who says she finds him ‘attractive’ and wants him to call her and for this same guy to ‘love’ and live with and have sex with another woman in a monogamous relationship –and yet hide this intimate relationship from her?

what exactly does : ‘look me directly in the eye. i don’t owe you a thing and you do not owe me a thing ‘ mean?

Can someone here please tell me?

I would like to know.

I am shaking and I would like to know. ***************************************************************

and the beautiful one said i have ‘spine strength like a tree trunk’….

if i asked all of you to meet me and hold me and ignite me with your faith so that i would emit a power so strong that i am beyond the ‘hand of (the) ghost’…..would you ? will you?

will you?

shut your eyes after you read this.duplicate and send me your strength right now.

send it NOW. i need it NOW.

November 18, 2000

Nov 18

Today it is sleeting. Rain turned to ice.

And the past twelve hours have brought beautiful gifts.

In the early morning hours, I was awoken by the lust.

we fed deeply as for those moments we leave all the things that disconnect us.

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and I hear from the beautiful Paz and there is joy right into the center of my heart.

www.pazlenchantin.com

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November 16, 2000

Nov 16

the words are flowing out . so many pieces for DD 2

the duet album.

the beauty of men.

i hear the echos of this music. their bodies entwined as

they writhe.

the longing goes unfulfilled.

the desire remains,

tonight the rain is cold and constant.

i have lately been contacted by extraordinary people.

and i thought too many people believed me unattainable

unreachable… sometimes like in an ivory tower.

one day

without even looking for it, a dark poet came ever so

slowly .

unable to take my eyes away …

the first words i then said with complete inocence and light :

‘you are so handsome. do you know that?’

and i allowed myself to feast on his beauty and to be

consumed.

“…….. you are my lover………

you are my lover…

for the only One who’ll make me bleed

the only One who’ll make me bleed

is my own

mutilation………..”

bless all the passion expressed tonight. bless all the lovers making love tonight bless all the tears of the broken hearts

and the laughter , and the fear of the lonely and the lost ,

come bitter anger in my arms tonight. kiss me deeply. stick your tongue down my throat.

November 15, 2000

Nov 15

Today I bought white roses for my bedroom. I put them into a crystal vase that belonged to my great aunt who lived in New Orleans, never had children, was a supporter of the opera and arts –AND also had ‘Dr.’ in front of her name…

My bedroom -ceiling and all—is painted a rich metallic yellow gold called ‘Ballroom Gold’. My ceiling light is a black chandelier.

I sleep in the bed my parents bought as newlyweds and upon which I was probably conceived. This bed is sacred to me and no one will ever sleep in it with me unless they are my angel.

The recent ‘arteries ‘ have received a lot of attention. I guess I hit a nerve. There are a lot of broken hearts out there….

And I am one of them. I have discovered there are many disciples of disburden.

It is something of comfort not to be alone with my revelations. And it is a phenomena — how when you have a broken heart so many tangibly important things fade – like eating and sleeping…

What is the most intense thing for me is how you can just know that this is a mutually felt great love and hear the other person say that they ‘fell out of love sometime ago’ and ‘have been trying to tell you that it is over’….but you continue to feel something powerful and deep with them…..You just cannot believe their words..It is as if you have been told the world is flat.

Incredible and inconceivable. I guess this is what is meant by ‘denial.’

In December, I will go to work with James Izzo . When I work on music , it has been pointed out to me, I am in a healing place and vibrant….

But music does not have those eyes and voice and kiss and hands….

Someday , as it is said, I will be able to ‘move on’ —but today it seems like a billion miles away…

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When photos of the recent CMJ New York show are put up , I will talk a bit about that for all the wonderful people who have asked ….

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November 14, 2000

Nov 14

I got maybe 4 1/2 hours of sleep last night.

There is a lot of work to do.

I have no ‘idle’ time in which to manufacture delusion.

Turned on the computer to several email messages to a recent Artery about ’emotional distance’ ….

I have allowed myself to fall in love. With someone who was once in love with me — before I pushed him away he says.. He once wanted my love and now he cares nothing about it.

He said he has ‘spared’ me and has not told me the truth because I ‘could not handle it.’

He says he is a destroyer and that I have no idea how he has spared me over the others.

He says over and over that he is flying ‘ SOLO !!!’ and is NOT my partner at all.

Earlier we had the most beautiful love making and I broke down in tears from sheer release in his arms —-as he looked baffled….

I do not know how to do this.

I love him and yet I should not.

I do not know how to do this.

Help me to let go and not look back. I cannot seem to stop loving him but I must accept that it is unrequited and expect nothing at all from him no matter what.

No matter what.

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November 12, 2000

Nov 12

4:48 a.m.

Anxiety takes it’s sharp fangs upon you

And you reach out but find no god to save you

In all light the darkness closes in

And you understand the meaning

Alone

Nothing and no one comforts you except the smile of an angel

But you have only your own strength with which to survive

Remove yourself from harm or perish

The way will not be sweet

Those that you trust will betray you coldly

But you asked for this when you gave your heart

And tell yourself that you are no judge of character

So you breathe slowly and hold yourself with dignity

You walk alone and wonder if this is how it will end

You found your false god.

And you never cease to wonder at the cruelty .

To wonder at your pain.

To wonder at death

The twin of life.

You will hold yourself with dignity

And question why

Happiness came with the angel

You must now destroy what it is you embraced

As the angel smiles

November 11, 2000

11/11/00

REALITY CHECK

GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD.

DO NOT LIVE IN DENIAL.

HERE IS REALITY.

THIS IS TRUTH.

UNDERSTAND AND ACCEPT THIS FACT.

I SEE YOU AS A GOOD FRIEND. I AM NOT ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED WITH YOU. I WILL NEVER BE ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED WTH YOU.

THE PRICE IS TOO GREAT. I WILL NEVER CHANGE MY MIND.

November 10, 2000

Nov 10 2:16 a.m.

‘” I LIKE my solitude,” he said to me explaining why he is ’emotionally detached’ ….

And I find myself in my own place of isolation wondering why I attract people who are emotionally cut-off?

He is not the first person to say this to me.

Can I be that deadly ? That fierce? Do I affect people so that they withdraw into themselves ?

“You get what you deserve,” he says to me.

How beautiful to be loved with a vibrant intensity by a loving ’emotionally alive’ person who is fully there in the moment with you….. a person who gives deeply and looks into your eyes saying this with their body as they make love to you…

I admit I secretly dream that he will ‘ come back ‘ and be capable of giving me this kind of love. Maybe I am also in denial (as he also says) to dream this. Maybe he will never be capable of this again …at least with me… So people have emailed asking about the CMJ panel and the concert. I did say I would talk about it here.

I enjoyed being on the panel . I did state my own views about the labels and that there is another way other than signing with a label to get your work out to the public. I also talked about the community aspect of being an independent artist with regard to reaching the people who care about your work…and the internet destroys that distance to a degree. I am intentionally accessible and spend a part of my day when I can , being available via email.

The concert (photos coming) was another facet of experimentation and I learned a lot from it. Another face revealed. A step in a new and free direction. I am at the place where I can look back at my body of work to date and see where I now want to go…..

Also to the people who emailed ‘commenting’ ( ahem) about Georgia voting Republican—-I live in metro Atlanta and the county where I live–supported Al Gore.

I’m working on material for the next Disburden project and will be going to New Jersey to work with James Izzo (Thread) before the end of the year.

X

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November 6, 2000

Nov 6

It is a cold rainy lonely night.

The kind of night I was experiencing when I wrote the song ‘Shotgun Road’ which is on my Thirteen Masks album.

It is my plan to rerelease my own ‘out of print’ material in 2001. I am still deciding if it should be a selective reissue compilation OR the full content of the original cds. If you want to post on my guestbook your opinion, I appreciate it. I am planning on including Swans and Skin material as part of these reissues IF they are songs I sang.

The Living Jarboe site is being redesigned by TANKPICTURES right now. It will be a clean and functional site with fewer the graphic textures that this version currently has….One of the new elements will be a ‘comments board’ pertaining to Artery so that if you want to respond to a particular Artery, you can do so directly underneath my posting…

As Disburden Disciple clearly shows, I am moving in a new direction visually and musically. As for my ‘look’….I have given away most of my former Swans era wardrobe and cut off my hair and am going back to my natural color but with radiant light streaks. This outer change is reflecting the inner change I am experiencing.

My desire to explore the boundaries of my own limitations–and break through my self imposed weaknesses –is my own force. But the muse came in the form of a man who did not offer me unconditional love. Instead, he hated my weakness and my disease and insisted I examine and heal myself. “Tough love” I guess it is called. He says he is my ‘transition’ and that my full and healthy love relationship will follow this time with him…

If it pertains to you –and carefully understand that I am not literally talking about a physically fatal illness– because even though I have been through that with members of my family (my father died of brain cancer) , I am not a doctor and am not addressing a medical condition like that… I want you to know that – like me– you can have another chance. No matter how awful things may seem in your life right now….you CAN begin again and things will get better for you. I did not think I would ever say this or feel like this when in 1996, I was inundated with despair. My mother had fallen ill with a devastating dementia, my personal life was falling apart , and the project I had struggled with and given so much of myself to both emotionally and musically for so many years was coming to an end. At this time, I did not even know it but Anhedoniac was already developing deepy inside me.

I am grateful for my health, for my friends. and for my hunger to learn.

November 1, 2000

November 1

Only three ‘Trick Or Treaters ‘ last night !

And a dead bird mysteriously placed on my steps….

SO– I’m sitting here in the office surrounded by boxes of my own cd. There’s this frenetic activity to get them out to the cool people I love who have found me online.

Where to begin about New York? Am I even in the proper frame of mind at the moment……

How about some highlights?

Richard Kern’s party for his new book, Model Release ,I think it is called.. Talking with Richard and congratulating him on the birth of his baby !

Seeing artist’s Damian Hirst’s show …..

and the Yoko One retrospective …..

meeting artist Joe Coleman and Katharine Gates at a gallery opening for “Serial Killer art”….

dinner at Rotelle on e.7th with Scott Martin of Vinyl Films…

Photos with Foetus aka JG Thirlwell…..

Brunch in a state of exhaustion with Todd ZIno and Ayse…

perusing a quaint and eclectic bookstore with a beautiful man …

seeing friends…….

CMJ? more about that next time! as well as the concert from MY point of view…

Thank you again for your interest in my new c.d. So much of my heart is in it…

Love J