December 30, 2000

Dec 30 noon

Saw the movie Cast Away last night. Someone said to me that they liked how the movie ended. That Tom Hanks character was viewing things in a more mental way and less driven by his heart. I saw it very differently. To me , the fact that he goes after the woman in the pickup truck says that he is being led by his heart.

And after surviving 4 years in isolation on a small island in the middle of nowhere, it is a major statement that all he is looking for is LOVE and companionship.

My wish is that I could be surrounded by all my friends —-both old friends and new ones ——on New Years Eve and hug them all… But they live in other states and even in other countries !

I will try and call many of them on the phone and vow to see them in 2001.

I plan on doing concerts in 2001 in Tokyo and Amsterdam and with any luck, Australia and ..Toronto …..and even Hungary.

So here’s to friendship and to love in 2001.

I love you all. sincerely.

December 28, 2000

Dec 28 1:50 A.M.

Genealogy of Morals : Nietzsche

.” The SLAVE never forgives because he or she never forgets a wrong that has been done to him or her, or that he or she has imagined has been done to him or her.

HOWEVER:

The NOBLE never forgives because he or she almost instantly forgets any wrong that is done to him or her (a sign that strength is in excess), and so hence sees no need to forgive.

Another Nietzschean perspective, this time on vanity: vanity is a most extreme form of impotence and slavery; it reveals that one cannot value oneself except to the extent that one is valued by others; the powerful human beings values him or herself spontaneously and immediately – a primary self-affirmation rather than a repugnantly Hegelian dialectic of recognition. This is clearly stated in Dawn, Zarathustra, and Beyond Good and Evil. ”

……………………….

December 25, 2000

Dec 25

“Care for the self is one thing, the obsessive distancing of those who are closest to you is another. The latter betrays a lack of any stable, strong sense of self (strength of character can almost be measured by how many individuals you let into your life; if one is constantly trying to push all individuals away, then one is likely to be afraid that one is not oneself strong enough to endure their presence)….”

X.

December 22, 2000

Dec22

i prayed on bended knees through tears and an angel was sent to me.

i met the man of my dreams.

still i was blind and i could not fully see him he opened in radiance to me completely but in my ignorance i slapped him shut and defeated all my happiness.

and now time is suspended and i pray for a second chance that may never come for a second chance to prove how i’ve seen , how i’ve changed.

i cannot go on without your love everyone forgive me– i’ve lost the one thing that mattered.

December 22, 2000

Dec22

i prayed on bended knees through tears and an angel was sent to me.

i met the man of my dreams.

still i was blind and i could not fully see him he opened in radiance to me completely but in my ignorance i slapped him shut and defeated all my happiness.

and now time is suspended and i pray for a second chance that may never come for a secind chance to prove how i’ve seen , how i’ve changed.

i cannot go on without your love everyone forgive me– i’ve lost the one thing that mattered.

December 20, 2000

Dec 20

Trying to find my way back to myself.

I became a part of you and so I must find who I am again without you.

Without you.

The words go in deep and cut into me.

I must face my fears and not worry about the future.

Love will come to me again as I become myself again.

Alone.

December 19, 2000

December 19

Today Atlanta is covered in snow.

The air fresh and cold and silent.

I went out –feeling distracted and restless.

Alive.

Visited an abandoned building — went inside and took photos— memories – I ‘ lost my virginity’ there ….

Now the wrecking ball.

An awareness of time. An awareness of history.

Let us be real and let us be here.

December 18, 2000

18 DEC.

Jo pyar se kiya jata hai wo achey ya burey se zaeda hai.

December 17, 2000

Dec 16

I woke up to snow flurries.

Today I decorated my Xmas tree. I still have an ornament of a snowman I made when I was 5 years old. I also have ornaments that were my mother’s and my grandmother’s !

Centennial Park (downtown ) is incredibly beautiful now. There are more lights than usual for the holidays.

Toying with the extravagant but beautiful idea of going to New York and staying at the Hudson Hotel and midnight mass at St John the Divine..just for the Xmas weekend without telling anyone I am even in town. I have my own private love affair with New York City. Sometimes I miss her a lot…Afterall, a sizeable chunk of my soul resides there…………..

ETRE BIEN DANS SA PEAU…………………………..

December 16, 2000

Dec 16

I leave for L.A. on January 8.

Friends and enthusiasm and good energy wait for me there… It will be a good trip. I can feel it.

Trying to be in the moment now. Feel every drop of rain.

Today I am going to put up a Christmas tree and decorate it with all the ornaments from my childhood.

Breathe in the moist cool air as I run. As I run for my body and my spirit.

At least I am not stagnant in terms of self growth.

And that surely is a good thing

along with the painful resignation ….