November 30, 2000

11/30

And the new VOICE with new FAITH comes to me and says:

LIVE DANGEROUSLY

and I am intrigued

November 29, 2000

11/29

Having slept very little in the past 10 days due to intense emotional distress, I am in a zone of unreality. I am outside the world and outside my understanding of it.

When you finally realize that the dream you have been holding on to is not going to come true, you are shaken to the very depth of your identity and you wonder how it was that such a dream sustained you and fed you for so long.

For me to assume that another person shares any form of ‘reality’ with me and its understanding of it with me, is a huge undertaking. A ‘”leap of faith” ……

And when all is said and done, he said that he was still my best friend and would still be my lover but that he had “lost faith” in me and did not want to share his life with me or “be with” me. He feels ‘smothered’ and ‘caged’.

He asked me in what seemed like a type of joke— if I thought him a ‘commitment-phobic’ and /or a woman-hater.

I cannot diagnose you— I thought. …You became my dearest friend and then you became my lover. To me, anything I have done to contribute to your lack of faith , I am willing to work on and change, for me and for us ..but not only for you. For this reason I am in therapy and I am seeing the changes. I have had to get over –among many other things– a 14 year relationship with a man I lived and worked with……

He said “but it is too late.I can never have faith in you again. I have made my decision and it if final. Nothing you can do will change my loss of faith in you . You have lost me.. Remember that he most valuable thing you can do is listen. That is my secret. That is why people say I am charming. I know how to listen. You do not listen to me. You twist everything I say back to yourself. What about MY feelings? MY thoughts? Are you even listening to me now?”

********************************************************************

November 28, 2000

Nov 28 Tuesday 9:20 A.M.

HOW DO YOU RESIGN YOURSELF TO SOMETHING THAT WILL NEVER BE? YOU STOP WANTING THAT THING, YOU GO NUMB, OR YOU KILL THE AGENT OF DESIRE.

SAVOUR KINDNESS BECAUSE CRUELTY IS ALWAYS POSSIBLE LATER.

– JENNY HOLZER

November 27, 2000

11/27

Am now holding out my hand and looking .

Introspective yet also opening to a friendly voice.

And the voice says it will come into my world.

And I am listening for the voices that would offer me

unconditional love in the purest sense.

I am here. And I am listening.

November 25, 2000

11/25

There are many foolish people in this life who will take up your time and energy.

Don’t let them.

We all die alone.

Remember you are alone.

Free WILL is your only true friend.

VICTORIOUS

November 24, 2000

11/24

I have begun the process. I am burning you out of my center – where I have carelessly allowed you to enter.

JARBOE IS NOW BEING REBORN.

I HAVE DESTROYED THE WOMAN YOU KNEW.

I AM BUILDING A NEW MACHINE.

I AM ONE STEP CLOSER .

one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one one

don’t ever make anyone essential

don’t ever make anyone irreplaceable

solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo

solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo

solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo solo

I am now burning your files out of my system.

I will no longer be vulnerable to you and your kind.

RISE RISE RISE RISE RISE RISE RISE RISE RISE RISE RISE

I am systematically destroying what I became with you.

The demon warrior is stirring and will emerge.

Do not underestimate my will.

FUCKING DESTRUCTION.

GET OUT OF OF MY WAY. MY FIRE IS FIERCE. GET OUT OF MY WAY OR BURN.

I AM BECOMING JARBOE.

GET THE * FUCK * OUT OF MY WAY.

THE MISTAKE WAS MADE THAT I AM WEAK ENOUGH TO FALL IN LOVE AND LOSE MYSELF AND BE BROKEN. YOU ARE NOT FIERCE ENOUGH TO BREAK ME. I HAVE DIED MANY TIMES AND RISEN TO BECOME THE NEW.

I AM AT WAR. I HAVE NO MERCY FOR YOU.

I WILL RIP TO SHREDS.

I WILL DISBURDEN. I WILL BE VICTORIOUS.

I AM VICTORY.

J A R B O E

November 24, 2000

11/24

You cannot handle the truth.

I cannot invest in you emotionally.

My emotional needs are better transferred to a piece of wood.

DEAL WITH IT

November 21, 2000

Nov 21

Today the sun shines and the air is cold. I wear a sweater I bought in Iceland.

Listening to three new songs recently begun in New York for the MEN album. Sending a package off to the first collaborator with much enthusiastic expectation.

And my mind will not let me focus on the emotional anguish today as it works to keep me alive.

There are articulate and intelligent people reading …. They have responded to me personally in email and I look forward to having the format where replies can be posted on this same page for everyone to read and to learn from other’s experience and insight.

Today I still carry the weight inside. But I will force myself to look outside the wall of emotion and see the world.

November 20, 2000

Nov 19 11:26 p.m.

i have received numerous emails from persons telling me about their life .

it seems many things are universal.

what does : ‘ i love you but i am not IN love with you.’ mean, anyway?

has anyone here said this or had this said to them?

please tell me.

also, is it cool for a guy to have an intimate relationship with a woman who says she finds him ‘attractive’ and wants him to call her and for this same guy to ‘love’ and live with and have sex with another woman in a monogamous relationship –and yet hide this intimate relationship from her?

what exactly does : ‘look me directly in the eye. i don’t owe you a thing and you do not owe me a thing ‘ mean?

Can someone here please tell me?

I would like to know.

I am shaking and I would like to know. ***************************************************************

and the beautiful one said i have ‘spine strength like a tree trunk’….

if i asked all of you to meet me and hold me and ignite me with your faith so that i would emit a power so strong that i am beyond the ‘hand of (the) ghost’…..would you ? will you?

will you?

shut your eyes after you read this.duplicate and send me your strength right now.

send it NOW. i need it NOW.

November 18, 2000

Nov 18

Today it is sleeting. Rain turned to ice.

And the past twelve hours have brought beautiful gifts.

In the early morning hours, I was awoken by the lust.

we fed deeply as for those moments we leave all the things that disconnect us.

****************************************************************

and I hear from the beautiful Paz and there is joy right into the center of my heart.

www.pazlenchantin.com

………………………………………………………………… …………………………