September 5, 2000

Sept 5 1:15 a.m.

Watched an interview with Garth Brooks on Charlie Rose. Still don’t understand why the machine has sold so many units of this guy.

Tonight someone labeled my own work : “morbid.”

I looked the word up just to see if there was something I missed.

diseased unhealthy gruesome grisly

am i all that?

September 3, 2000

Sept 3 12:43 a.m.

Finally . Slept deeply last night . Yesterday was surreal as I had

not slept at all or hardly eaten.

Spent a couple of hours at Tower looking at books and taking in music.

A friend treated me to a Thai dinner of basil rolls and spicy soup.

And then.

That pulling sensation in my heart again. That aching .

That sense of vast and endless loneliness.

I know why sex becomes an addiction for some people.

You can completely lose yourself in it.

There is a dark angel with the longest eyelashes I have ever

seen

and somehow he came into my life and captured my heart..

This angel has told me repeatedly that he cannot stay for long.

And so I must live in the moment and remember that he is an

angel and not of this world.

SO when this angel holds me , sometimes tears roll down my

cheeks and he does not know.

I just have one question. How many times in my life is my heart

to be destroyed?

September 1, 2000

September 1st 9:09 a.m.

Alive. A beautiful morning. the rain has been coming down all night and now the light is so dreamy and the view out my window is lush and moist. i have not slept all night. too much adrenaline in my body. Last night coming down a hill in my black pickup truck on a street flooded with rain, a car in front of me spun out of control. i saw it happen like a movie sped up. it happened too fast for me to do much but swerve and try not to slam on the brakes and skid on the flooded road and hit a telephone pole or mailbox or oncoming car. nevertheless i landed in a ditch off the road completely spun around facing the other way. it shook me up but after composing myself for several minutes and a gentleman running over to see if i was okay and pushing me back on the road as i eased down the gas pedal , i got home heart racing but physically unhurt except for some pain and stiff muscles now in my neck .

Can there be anything more full of life at this moment than to be held and kissed and squeezed by the one you love deeply ?

Yes. To hold them and kiss them back.

Are you there? Are you reading this? I miss you. Make love to me.

“I’m with you to forget my loneliness…”

August 31, 2000

august 31 7:29 a.m.

without trust there is no intimacy

without trust there is no us

i sit at my desk looking up at the sky through the trees as it

grows light

somewhere lovers are still sleeping

her head lays against his chest as his arm holds her to him

protectively

or his body curls against her’s from behind as they lay in semi –

fetal position

or perhaps they are making love in the cool morning air and blue

light

where are you ? you sleep this very moment in our bed.

the sense of loss

August 30, 2000

tonight i am thinking about a friend and wishing her well.

August 27, 2000

August 27 3:00 a.m.

Coming soon- a section about Disburden Disciple ONE which is the beginning of the series of cds I am doing with the concept of healing and the search for ‘fulfillment.’

We will have sound samples and some lyrics and a new photo of me with this shorter and lighter hair. The process of transforming my outer self is intentionally part of the concept of Disburden Disciple with every cover a portrait documenting the phases. By the final cd of the series of DD, I will look remarkably different from the portrait on this first c.d. The idea is to go more and more towards the light with each portrait.

Very few people have heard the finished first volume of this series. I am very close to the material yet I can hear the evolution that has taken place from Anhedoniac and the hints of where I am going.

What I am writing now and what will be thrown into the mix with the following DD releases appears on this first cd. Melodies , rhythms. textures in an unexpected way perhaps….and even a tribute to Uriah Heep at the end of a track !

Ms. Renee Nelson and I will begin rehearsels tonight for CMJ New York in October. We are planning an intimate special performance of piano and voice – (quite unlike The Living Jarboe in January at the Knitting Factory with full rock band arrangements). We both realize the chaos and craziness that awaits us. Come out and support us if you can get to NYC ! IN the audience, here is what I want you to do: Whoop and holler ! cheer, wildly applaud us!

We will each give you a kiss and a hug if you do!

And wear the new Living Jarboe tshirt and you will get a lipstick imprint on your copy of DD ONE !

PREYER, the project with Nicole Boitos . A beautiful silk bag with lovely drawings and text fragments. Put them all out in front of you since they are intentionally not bound! And look for ‘hidden meaning.’ psychedelic, baby…

Tonight when I was walking the trail in my Reeboks, a black snake shimmied by my feet. Last night another kind of black snake was in my dream. Whats with these black snakes already? IS that witch casting spells again? Did I ever tell you my witch story? I will in a future Artery…..

And hey – the guy who posted about my ‘rock’ ness? That is a compliment on the highest order for me. Heres the secret, I am a Rocker at heart ! That is why I joined Swans – because to me they rocked so Hard…

x

August 24, 2000

23 August

How to begin…………Tonight in Atlanta, I stood on a balcony above the stage in a completely packed concert house known as the Tabernacle to witness a show from the current tour of A PERFECT CIRCLE.. The new band from songwriter/ producer / visionary/ guitarist Billy Howerdel and lyricist / vocalist /performer Maynard James Keenan. Flawless musicianship from Josh Freese and Troy Van Leeuwen ………… and the most sensual and graceful woman in rock I have seen since Nancy Wilson of Heart, the amazing Paz Lenchantin. The inclusion of this talented woman in this project is a stroke of brilliance. She brings so much to this show. Watching her is like watching a proud wild mare throwing back her mane and rearing up on her hind legs before galloping off fierce , elegant, and free. She has a female vocabulary in her style which is refreshing and inspiring. Instead of using the male vocabulary which so many women musicians have used, Paz is completely feminine in all the strong fearless ways a woman should be . I applaud her presense in rock. Women musicians – go see this show and get an education.

And then there is Maynard.

This is someone I have only just met and yet feel a bond. This was my first time seeing Maynard perform and directly feeling his sexual energy. The first reference that comes to mind with regard to this sexual energy is Jim Morrison. Watching Maynard dance and undulate in personification of Rock Singer but not in a campy way — even in his hip hugger bellbottims and long blonde wig—-is to watch a spirit channeling the lust and androgyny of the rock star—the male / female energy of star power. He is a very aware energy. And everything he said to me the night before about a certain ……I will name it ‘hunger’— on the road–made sense.

As the show plays homage to “Rock” in subtle and obvious ways, I found it intelligent and amusing and sexy and romantic … things I personally love about rock.

Thank you again for the dedication during the show tonight MJK. You got me wet. Eyes, too.

xxx

August 21, 2000

21 August 2:45 a.m.

Driving home tonight on the interstate in a thunderstorm during a torrential downpour. when trucks zoomed by, the water shot up over my truck . it was like driving through a river. I drove over an hour like this with my flashers on barely able to see the road or what was around me.

My shoulders are still full of tension. Is there anyone out there who will give me a back massage? I feel like I’m wearing this tension. It is a living thing attached to my back, shoulders, and neck.

When I get home, an hour and a half later, the storm has left my area and there is a fresh and gentle wind moving the tree tops and I stand in my driveway and close my eyes and listen to the crickets and the cicadas and sense the full psychedelic effect of that incredible ‘sensurround’ sound. The tones mixed by the breeze stimulate part of the brain and it sounds ancient and alien and disconcerting – as it sounds comforting.

I have a strong sense of aloneness ; a strong sense of myself tonight. And a strong sense of history and the knowledge that all of the emotions I have felt in the past have come and gone.

They are gone.

And the time has come to put together another show for New York !

August 17, 2000

AUGUST 16

It’s a good thing to be open to criticism and not resentful and defensive to it. Sure it can hurt. But so what? I was told tonight that my self -growth is not progressing at a sufficient level. It’s a gift to hear and take into consideration such observations from a person you trust. I realize that I must let those words touch me but not let them affect my self -esteem or confidence even though I will think about ways to grow .

and remember. no matter what. you are alone on this earth. don’t compromise your inner dialogue with yourself , your inner love and caregiving to yourself.

tend to your heart.

no one and nothing is worth so much for you to betray that…..

x

August 13, 2000

August 13

track listing for Disburden Disciple . vol 1 OF 4 :

1. bound 2. consume me 3. dear 666 4. kiss of life 5. scorpion 6. under 7. the seance 8. forbid 9. forgive 10. scarification 11. pure war

subject matter: cannibalism. bondage. resusitation.possession. scars. = love