I got maybe 4 1/2 hours of sleep last night.
There is a lot of work to do.
I have no ‘idle’ time in which to manufacture delusion.
Turned on the computer to several email messages to a recent Artery about ’emotional distance’ ….
I have allowed myself to fall in love. With someone who was once in love with me — before I pushed him away he says.. He once wanted my love and now he cares nothing about it.
He said he has ‘spared’ me and has not told me the truth because I ‘could not handle it.’
He says he is a destroyer and that I have no idea how he has spared me over the others.
He says over and over that he is flying ‘ SOLO !!!’ and is NOT my partner at all.
Earlier we had the most beautiful love making and I broke down in tears from sheer release in his arms —-as he looked baffled….
I do not know how to do this.
I love him and yet I should not.
I do not know how to do this.
Help me to let go and not look back. I cannot seem to stop loving him but I must accept that it is unrequited and expect nothing at all from him no matter what.
No matter what.
Anxiety takes it’s sharp fangs upon you
And you reach out but find no god to save you
In all light the darkness closes in
And you understand the meaning
Nothing and no one comforts you except the smile of an angel
But you have only your own strength with which to survive
Remove yourself from harm or perish
The way will not be sweet
Those that you trust will betray you coldly
But you asked for this when you gave your heart
And tell yourself that you are no judge of character
So you breathe slowly and hold yourself with dignity
You walk alone and wonder if this is how it will end
You found your false god.
And you never cease to wonder at the cruelty .
To wonder at your pain.
To wonder at death
The twin of life.
You will hold yourself with dignity
And question why
Happiness came with the angel
You must now destroy what it is you embraced
As the angel smiles
GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD.
DO NOT LIVE IN DENIAL.
HERE IS REALITY.
THIS IS TRUTH.
UNDERSTAND AND ACCEPT THIS FACT.
I SEE YOU AS A GOOD FRIEND. I AM NOT ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED WITH YOU. I WILL NEVER BE ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED WTH YOU.
THE PRICE IS TOO GREAT. I WILL NEVER CHANGE MY MIND.
Nov 10 2:16 a.m.
‘” I LIKE my solitude,” he said to me explaining why he is ’emotionally detached’ ….
And I find myself in my own place of isolation wondering why I attract people who are emotionally cut-off?
He is not the first person to say this to me.
Can I be that deadly ? That fierce? Do I affect people so that they withdraw into themselves ?
“You get what you deserve,” he says to me.
How beautiful to be loved with a vibrant intensity by a loving ’emotionally alive’ person who is fully there in the moment with you….. a person who gives deeply and looks into your eyes saying this with their body as they make love to you…
I admit I secretly dream that he will ‘ come back ‘ and be capable of giving me this kind of love. Maybe I am also in denial (as he also says) to dream this. Maybe he will never be capable of this again …at least with me… So people have emailed asking about the CMJ panel and the concert. I did say I would talk about it here.
I enjoyed being on the panel . I did state my own views about the labels and that there is another way other than signing with a label to get your work out to the public. I also talked about the community aspect of being an independent artist with regard to reaching the people who care about your work…and the internet destroys that distance to a degree. I am intentionally accessible and spend a part of my day when I can , being available via email.
The concert (photos coming) was another facet of experimentation and I learned a lot from it. Another face revealed. A step in a new and free direction. I am at the place where I can look back at my body of work to date and see where I now want to go…..
Also to the people who emailed ‘commenting’ ( ahem) about Georgia voting Republican—-I live in metro Atlanta and the county where I live–supported Al Gore.
I’m working on material for the next Disburden project and will be going to New Jersey to work with James Izzo (Thread) before the end of the year.
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It is a cold rainy lonely night.
The kind of night I was experiencing when I wrote the song ‘Shotgun Road’ which is on my Thirteen Masks album.
It is my plan to rerelease my own ‘out of print’ material in 2001. I am still deciding if it should be a selective reissue compilation OR the full content of the original cds. If you want to post on my guestbook your opinion, I appreciate it. I am planning on including Swans and Skin material as part of these reissues IF they are songs I sang.
The Living Jarboe site is being redesigned by TANKPICTURES right now. It will be a clean and functional site with fewer the graphic textures that this version currently has….One of the new elements will be a ‘comments board’ pertaining to Artery so that if you want to respond to a particular Artery, you can do so directly underneath my posting…
As Disburden Disciple clearly shows, I am moving in a new direction visually and musically. As for my ‘look’….I have given away most of my former Swans era wardrobe and cut off my hair and am going back to my natural color but with radiant light streaks. This outer change is reflecting the inner change I am experiencing.
My desire to explore the boundaries of my own limitations–and break through my self imposed weaknesses –is my own force. But the muse came in the form of a man who did not offer me unconditional love. Instead, he hated my weakness and my disease and insisted I examine and heal myself. “Tough love” I guess it is called. He says he is my ‘transition’ and that my full and healthy love relationship will follow this time with him…
If it pertains to you –and carefully understand that I am not literally talking about a physically fatal illness– because even though I have been through that with members of my family (my father died of brain cancer) , I am not a doctor and am not addressing a medical condition like that… I want you to know that – like me– you can have another chance. No matter how awful things may seem in your life right now….you CAN begin again and things will get better for you. I did not think I would ever say this or feel like this when in 1996, I was inundated with despair. My mother had fallen ill with a devastating dementia, my personal life was falling apart , and the project I had struggled with and given so much of myself to both emotionally and musically for so many years was coming to an end. At this time, I did not even know it but Anhedoniac was already developing deepy inside me.
I am grateful for my health, for my friends. and for my hunger to learn.
Only three ‘Trick Or Treaters ‘ last night !
And a dead bird mysteriously placed on my steps….
SO– I’m sitting here in the office surrounded by boxes of my own cd. There’s this frenetic activity to get them out to the cool people I love who have found me online.
Where to begin about New York? Am I even in the proper frame of mind at the moment……
How about some highlights?
Richard Kern’s party for his new book, Model Release ,I think it is called.. Talking with Richard and congratulating him on the birth of his baby !
Seeing artist’s Damian Hirst’s show …..
and the Yoko One retrospective …..
meeting artist Joe Coleman and Katharine Gates at a gallery opening for “Serial Killer art”….
dinner at Rotelle on e.7th with Scott Martin of Vinyl Films…
Photos with Foetus aka JG Thirlwell…..
Brunch in a state of exhaustion with Todd ZIno and Ayse…
perusing a quaint and eclectic bookstore with a beautiful man …
CMJ? more about that next time! as well as the concert from MY point of view…
Thank you again for your interest in my new c.d. So much of my heart is in it…
Happy Halloween !!!
I AM BACK …
will recount my New York City adventure and tell you what’s going on either later on today or tomorrow.
Had a great show, was a subversive on the CMJ panel, and recorded some new work wth Joseph Budenholzer for the Men album which will feature duets with some of my favorite vocalists.
still taking care of things before I go . no sleep tonight.
in a couple of hours I leave for the airport.
Next posting from Manhattan but most likely after the show several days from now….
hope to see you…
Oct 17 12:23 A.M.
Spoke with my close friend Joseph Budenholzer tonight (Backworld) about playing in my show Oct 19 in NYC …Cooking up several ‘cameos’ on different songs,,,, He told me about the beautiful experience he had recently with his concert in Switzerland. The difference between the New York audience and the European audience…Backworld received tumultuous applause and felt very appreciated –whereas in their home town of New York, they frequently wonder why they are bothering…
What is the reason for this?
Why are so many artists not appreciated ‘at home’?
mmmm. A special kiss to the lovely men who recently wrote to me from Argentina and Portugal……..
Oct 15 Sunday
The first Disburden Disciple c.d. is here and will begin being sent out now.
Many thanks to all of you who pre-ordered it.
It is a privledge and an honor to put out a body of work without a single on the radio or a video or magazine articles or ads or visibility in shops or even a sound bite or mp3 file —–and still you care enough and have faith enough in me to purchase the c.d. without hype.
I am excited about DD One and the series of DD releases coming. The next DD project will feature special guests from very eclectic musical worlds. A lot of great things are coming and I am ‘stoked’ you guys !
I am looking forward to my ‘hometown’ (New York) show as well as the select shows out west in early 2001 because I look forward to seeing you and looking into your eyes and thanking you for your trust and your belief in me.