July 20 Its 1:15 a.m.
what is Artery? it is my journal made public with the hopes that in being myself i will be able to show a part of myself that others can indentify with and feel less alone. it is not hype and it is not intended as a showcase for anything other than being real.
not wanting to become self conscious about what i write —-now that i get personal email about whatever it is i write about….
someone write to me that i sounded bitter sometimes. that is not my intention. i don’t feel bitter. i am not a victim. i make my choices . i will try to be more aware of the attitude i convey here.
and since i started Artery, i get strange messages. would you believe it if i told you that currently i am simultaneously being stalked by someone in my own city , as i am getting warnings that are numbered. sometimes when vanessa replies to these emails, it comes back as undeliverable which makes it all the more frustrating. sometimes they are threats and sometimes they are obsessive. and sometimes they are enlightening. thank you, “s”, all the way in Oman….
the most important person in my physical space life who is a mentor as well as the person i could give my heart to – does not know as much about my internal dialogue as you do- reading this. its funny. the persons closest to me don’t visit my virtual world . i suppose they think they know me by seeing me .
i am in a place with my work with regarding business that is confusing and contradictory. there is so much talk from artists about how horrible the labels are and yet booking agents say you must be signed to one of those COMPANIES to get the guarantees required to take a show on the road. i am ready to master and manufacture my new album but want it to be distributed and promoted beyond the scope of my own website. And to do live shows especially in Europe. The decisions are many and I hope with the aid of mentors and supporters I will make the right decision.
can the suffering of the “wicked” be justified and is the supposed awareness of “wrong” and “right” a commentary on a choice made willingly and now the price is paid? “Reap what you sow?” and if that premise holds true for some, how is the suffering of the innocent explained ? that is what i am thinking about and it sends a wave of anguish through me that makes me cry out in an empty room while alone. a child who accepts literally , in a state of complete trust , suffering with no understanding and in total purity. not a child of 2 or 3. i’m thinking about the childlike state of the elderly with dementia. ‘they know not what they do”….
this is the war of the soul many must face.
learn not to cling to what you think is reality. reality is flexible. .
July 14 Friday
I’m still processing yesterday.
It was the first time of anything more than superficial “dressing- room hellos” that Michael and I have spent together in two years. It was awkward and very disorienting for me but also important for many reasons.
For those of you who will be in New York City in October for the CMJ Music Marathon, Michael told me that Young God Records will have a whole ‘night’ at the club Tonic . The new YGR bands will play as well as The Angels Of Light.
We had some snap shots made and I will post them up on the site soon.
I am still involved in behind the scenes work in preparation for the release of the new projects.
July 13 2000
MG is in Atlanta tonight.
Earlier there was lightning in the sky and now there is a cool breeze and the sound of frogs and light rain dripping through the trees.
This room has a row of 4 windows. I am facing them as I write this. The air that I breathe in has the weight and depth that is distinctly Southern. This air is in contrast to that of the house on the other side of the tall fence with its constant air-conditioning roar…
And I am feeling displaced and home simultaneously.
What is it like in the breathtaking New Mexican/Colorado desert right now? If anyone reading this is there or near there, let me know.
And what is loneliness? I feel it. Do you feel it?
The human bond. The connection we feel to one another. To one that we feel a ‘sense of comradry.’
The time when we must face ourselves .
And for all who have been so enthusiastic in mailing me about it , yes. the music both recorded and live performance is coming. I promise it will a surprise and it will be worth the wait.
July 10 12:34 A.M.
It is essential for some people, people like me, to have intensive exhausting exercise every single day. This evening , an hour run all around the park in this HEAT. I am finally getting able to endure this heat and when I hit stride, and the endorphins kick in, I feel completely ALIVE and strong. Before I joined Swans, I worked out for 4 to 5 hours a day. I was trying to make a decision about becoming a professional body builder or a vocalist.
Music won out———- but now that I am healed from my surgery of last year and facing a type of stress that could take me over the edge if I did nothing to stop it, I am going about building a new machine and going about it like my life depended on it. I am getting stronger and building my endurance. Changing my hair and changing my attitude. This is no time to be weak. This is war.
I do not believe in wallowing in self-pity, depression, and victimization. If you are having these issues, I strongly urge you to go to an Al-Anon meeting. They are not just for families and friends of alcoholics. They are for all types of abuse and co-dependent situations. You do not have to be a Christian to go to AA or Al-Anon, contrary to what some people say. I know someone in New York who is a self-described ‘Satanist’, and he regularly attends meetings.
I go to meetings.
The main thing is: don’t let the bastards get you down. Loving yourself is the hardest thing many of us will ever do.
I love you.
July 8 In addition to the guestbook comments, I received numerous personal emails about the July 6 Artery. I value what everyone wrote. Tonight I went to a contemporary art exhibtion space where several Norwegian artists’ works are on display. I spoke with Kristin Ytreberg from Oslo. She had the severe and beautifully strong bone structure of the type of Norwegian women that I have found warrior like and inspiring, I had a flood of incredible memories come into me about Norway and the effect it had on me. The fjords are impossible to describe. You must see them for yourself. The problems of this human life and all the pains of relationships pale to less than a ghost when you gaze at a fjord. And I never saw such intense colors of leaves …. The astonishing mile upon mile of unnatural neon orange of the trees lining the long stetches of rural highway roads.
So ……. regarding the July 6 Artery, my memories such as the sketch I have done for you above which comprise a rich set of experiences as a result of being alert and ‘recording’ what i observe when traveling , my aloneness now, and my music and my cyber world and a small circle of other people …compose my world now.
Yes, of course, I have thoughts about what it must be like to be passionately and joyously loved by another person. And there are times when I wish I was loved in this way. But the fact is, I do not have this in my life. Does this mean that my life should be any less? Tenderness and love i agree is very beautiful. But because it is not part of my experience, I have to stop giving it energy and desiring it on any level. To be told by a man that you have fallen in love with that he does not want anything more than a platonic relationship with you and only then when he wants to be around your energy is a deeply painful thing. And I have fjords to dream about and audiences to sing to and give THEM my heart, People like YOU. You deserve my love and consideration . And the ONLY lover in my life is my work.
If you have found a mutually equally loving relationship, bless you. Bless you.
Fjords. Boe. Oslo. Trondheim. The pagan gargoyles on the Church in Trondheim….The Hotel Brittania ….. Rock sauna….130 degrees. I love you Norway. I want to see you again and be yours.
Choose your battles with great care. FInd what charges you with energy and protect it ruthlessly. All of your great sacrifices mean nothing if you betray yourself. It’s all true. What I heard the women in my life say to me about self-love. All girls and women reading this now: the most important thing you can do is to learn to be self sufficient and love being alone. Work out the money thing as soon as possible so you can have power and not NEED anyone. Then, fill that void—-that aching black void that you thought only another person could fill—–fill that damn void YOURSELF. Do you hear me? Stop needing him or if you are gay, her. Stop it or you are DOOMED. There are seducers out there. Let me tell you how they operate. They are going to send you a spark and you are going to start day dreaming about them and fantasizing and then the big seduction scene and then you get sucked into it and then all that heat and then you are consumed with addictive bliss and you feel superior to everybody and you are glowing. You know why you are glowing, honey? You are glowing because you have just become a drug addict. That’s right. It’s true. It’s a damn drug and you just signed your death warrant. If you are feeling this way, I got news for you. It won’t last and as intense as he (or she) is now, that is how hellish it will be later. The withdrawal pains are worse than kicking junk and you will carry baggage for way too long. It isn’t worth it. Very few people are mature enough to handle this thing…this drug..whether you call it love or something else….It is destructive and unless you are enlightened, you are not ready. Listen to me………There are activities out there that will fill that void. It might be running or mountain climbing. It might be volunteering at a nursing home. It might be the wonder of traveling on your own. But the thing is, all that romantic stuff? All that sentimental stuff? In other words, all that BAGGAGE? Drop that shit right now!
You are ALIVE girl! Find your power! It’s YOUR’S and YOUR’S
A L O N E
as always, I welcome all feedback posted in my guestbook and I WILL read it.
June 29 finally, rain
a letter from obsessive delusion an email from a ghost a poem from a memory
and I’m seeing you
but you aren’t here.
and I’m hearing you
but you aren’t here.
and I’m FEELING you
but you aren’t here
it’s a beautiful night. there’s a slight breeze. it’s dusk. i have music in my head …….and a heavy heart. it’s like just getting over ……or about to come down with ..an illness. you know what i mean? when you don’t have an appetite and your mind is racing?
going for a walk.