October 14, 2000

Oct 14 Sat 2 a.m.

My life has been hallucinatory for the past 48 hours.

Instead of fighting the inner chaos, I am laughing at it.

We take way too much too seriously and I for one, am sick of that and I see no logic in it any more.

There is very little point in getting upset about most things in life.

The main thing is to enjoy little moments. Like RIGHT NOW.

And stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop thinking that if you want someone they will want you back.

I have a song about this kind of longing. It’s called The Hand Of Your Ghost and I originally thought of it while in Tokyo and Craig took me to a place of stoneghosts.

The song is about a type of delirium caused by the anguish of loss. The loss of a man you love with your very being. The loss of a life that will never be….

To feel so deeply and be so helpless .

And I am arrogant enough to think that if I give my body and my heart to this man, he will want me in return and cherish me .

If you come to the show in New York , you will see this song performed. It is the last song of the set.

I am recording it with Joseph Budenholzer in New York and it will be on the next Disburden Disciple c.d. I hear the voice of a friend on the song with me …

I am singing from total genuine hell.

A hell in which I sit and laugh at the absurd folly of it all.

How easy it is to be a fool.

October 12, 2000

Oct 11 Wednesday night.

Rehearsing now for NYC on October 19.

After the show and the CMJ panel, I will be staying in New York in my old neighborhood (we lived on 6 th and B ) recording material for the second installment of Disburden Disciple.

And then looking forward to a very special new friend and his remarkable voice.

Getting email everyday asking me where the show will be!

HEY—its on Bowery next door to CBGB ! 313 Gallery ! Got it?!

Trying to be a good girl and get enough sleep.

Reading Nietzsche in bed….. shivering in the cool night air.

October 8, 2000

Oct 8 Sunday 12:54 p.m.

My fingers are ice.

Winter is coming.

Last night a rare evening of ‘input’ rather than my usual constant ‘output.’

I went to see the film Dancer In The Dark featuring an old friend of years ago—Bjork –in the central role.

As the film began, the word ‘bleak’ came to mind. As the film ended, ‘devastating’ was the ONLY word in my mind.

As dismal as that may sound, I strongly recommend the film to the readers of Artery as it is a highly sucessful work of art and to be given attention even for that reason alone. Great ‘art films’ these days are few and far between…

Today—back to rehearsals for Oct 19….

X

October 4, 2000

Oct 4

i am again pushed out of the nest of what i think is my life to test yet another pair of new wings.

i have had a very large number of wings in my life so far.

someone i value as my close friend and that i have also longed to love and share my life with has been forthcoming to tell me what they feel is in my best interest …… and that is to admit to me that they are inadequate and inappropriate for me for where i am in my life and that it would be best for me to have someone in my life who knows what they want and knows who they are and who has already accomplished substantial goals. And that this ideal person should be a person of means and impressive to others and compliment and color my life with their own accomplishment. My friend says he is nowhere near this yet and so he questions why I even want him in my life any deeper than friendship.

i remember when a counselor /mentor i had when i was in college told me that when someone close in your life encouraged you to find another more suited to you and said they had your best interests in mind — that it was a sign that you were no longer in their heart . i think it’s called : ‘letting you down easy.”

this time next year will i have a man of experience and accomplishment who is my equal or more – in my life ? and how do women meet men like this?

am i not feminist or careering enough to admit i want a man in my life ? that i want love and sex and a deep intimate bond? what is wrong with it? and why is being alone so wonderful?

can’t you have work and love in the same life?

why must it all be so complicated?

why are so many accomplished and sucessful people alone — not by choice?

October 3, 2000

Oct 3

11:02 a.m.

I have a new favorite word.

I mean I LOVE this word.

The word is:

J E T T I S O N

X

October 2, 2000

Oct 2

So its come down to this.

And i don’t know what to do.

you say you are desperate and you need me to give you this thing.

How can I make what you need appear out of thin air?

Be careful taking favors or gifts or loans from those who tell you what a sacrifice it is for them to do so.

Because the time will come when they breathe heavily upon you.

I will take drastic steps to get this breath off of me.

September 29, 2000

Sept 29

today an interview by phone for a forthcoming article by writer Jay Babcock on loud volume in rock music in Mojo magazine.

talked about the early shows in Swans when the ceiling above the stage would rain paint chips and dirt just from the amps. ..

and ‘the loudest band in the world’ moniker we had in those days..(not OUR title by the way..the British press came up with it )

and all the times MG and I were shocked by the stage or mics not being grounded properly..Not as bad as that scene in Almost Famous but almost…

and this evening to a party at AUX TV where I am friends with one of the owners and his wife. everyone there involved in some aspect of production of commercials or documentaries or independent film or animation or websites or music composition or ..etc.

www.auxtv.com ****************************************************************** and my mind is full of ideas and crammed full of thoughts.

an awareness of my life being compartmentalized and not as serene as i would like it.

too much to do. not enough time.

and analyzing the patronage system where an artist could focus on creating work and not the cluttered aspects of running a business and keeping life in order. today an artist has to know about the business even if it is what to avoid. there is no child-like state of being kept so that you can be a genius.

the biggies: putting a leash on your emotions is essential. discipline and knowing what to absorb and what to purge.

understanding that some people are just dead meat .

and another way to say purge is DISBURDEN.

September 28, 2000

Sept 28

Killer t-shirts are here .

I would like to hear stories about anything unusual that happens to you while wearing it . Please post on the guestbook so others can read it.

Tonight I am thinking about Vienna and the three young blonde men who serenaded me under my hotel room window after the concert Swans had done in a wonderful performance hall. I lay in my bed listening while the wind blew the lace curtain carrying their voices up to me. They had talked with me briefly at the venue and told me they were music students. One was a classical pianist. They gave me a bunch of red roses and looked at me hopefully , smiling…

Has anyone here tried Peppermint Paddock?

September 27, 2000

Sept 27

One of the good things about touring ‘off the beaten path’ is that you see so many wonderful towns unexplored by tourists and unexploited by commercialization. You have unpredictable adventures.

One such ‘”if they could see me now'” was this tiny place in southern Norway called Boe.

The journey in the bus was endless snow and ice through the empty narrow road late at night down the mountain. I stuck my head out of the tiny open portal above my bed to breathe in the cold air. I was thinking: “so here you are dear. the places you have been…once again….here is where the music has brought you THIS time! . wow. if someone had told me i would be out here in the middle of the night in this huge bus on this dark winding road skidding and sliding along ever so slowly to a small village in Norway…………….

The one place to stay in town was called : ‘the Boe Hotel” We all chuckled at the play on words BoHO which is slang ( for all you readers who are not American) for bohemian…

I had a rock sauna before the show (which turned out to be an audience of all teenage males.). i was reclining nude when two huge long haired musclebound guys walked in and sat down. I casually eased into a sitting position not knowing where to put my hands. My tattoos (still taboo here) were noticably fascinating to them . When the towel slipped off of one of them, and his was a rigid and quivering salute, I bolted out of there !