September 11, 2000

Sept 11 2:09

Last night, my lover embraced me and through his warrior angels , he empowered me and inspired me. My lover is always there and waits patiently for me to come into his arms. No one can take his place and no one fills my heart with strength and communion of pure spirit like he does.

My lover ‘s name is Music.

The warrior angels are named Renee and Chandler.

Rehearsals have begun. I am so encouraged and excited.

The three of us are scripting drama for New York CMJ.

Our lovemaking is an intensely passionate dance.

Now. Let’s kick some ass.

September 9, 2000

September 9 5:04 A.M.

things on my troubled mind tonight. my cd, cmj, the shows, the video, my mother, today’s photo shoot, and …….

“you’re not in love. you want to possess.” he told me. “i don’t think about a relationship. i don’t want a relationship. ”

someone else who cares as a friend is concerned about me and tells me to move on from “an insignificant aspect of your future, a burden to your spiritual growth, a broken footbridge , a torrent of tears.”

not surprisingly , unable to sleep.

tomorrow i must run for an hour. blast myself with endorphins.

had shoot with photographer Erica Dines for my cd cover and the website.

looking forward to rehearsing on Sunday. Must give everything to the music. The music is the one thing that does not let me down.

in the wise words of Scott Michael Martin :


You are in love.

The deepest pain imaginable.

We all pine for the deepest pain imaginable, and it eventually comes, and we ALL go, “Fuck. This is the deepest pain imaginable.”

We are all insane.



September 7, 2000

Sept 7 11:18 p.m.

Don’t let the bastards get you down.

They WILL try.

for Holly.

September 7, 2000

Sept 7 12:43 A.M.

I try to understand and be tolerant. And I still find so much crazy cruel ignorant behavior around that I am dumbfounded and frightened. One of the things that I have noticed for years is how little respect many people in service positions give to even enthusiastic and open minded purchasers of the product or service. This can be applied to everything from grocery stores to nursing homes.

There is a surprisingly good energy however in the people I hear from via email and letters. I don’t know how many people reading this are in performance or public work –where you get feedback from people you don’t know but who know your work so feel a connection to you– but it is the proverbial “honey on a razor’s edge.”

If you allow yourself to believe and be moved by what one of these people says to you that makes you feel good- then you have to also be open to what another says that makes you feel bad. SO there is a dilemma.

I want to connect and be genuine in my work and not phony. I want to speak from my heart in my music …and I will not close myself off even if something hurts my feelings. I have dedicated my life to music in the face of hardship but it was what I had to do.

This is part of putting your original ideas out there to the public. Sometimes you will be misunderstood or even hated or mocked or maybe worse yet–ignored. Ignored when you gave all that you had to a project.

The only thing that can take care of this is a solid regular dose of hard reality and life on the precipice.

You must have a bond with yourself and let no one touch your ‘God Spot.’

(thank you p.h.)

September 5, 2000

Sept 5 1:15 a.m.

Watched an interview with Garth Brooks on Charlie Rose. Still don’t understand why the machine has sold so many units of this guy.

Tonight someone labeled my own work : “morbid.”

I looked the word up just to see if there was something I missed.

diseased unhealthy gruesome grisly

am i all that?

September 3, 2000

Sept 3 12:43 a.m.

Finally . Slept deeply last night . Yesterday was surreal as I had

not slept at all or hardly eaten.

Spent a couple of hours at Tower looking at books and taking in music.

A friend treated me to a Thai dinner of basil rolls and spicy soup.

And then.

That pulling sensation in my heart again. That aching .

That sense of vast and endless loneliness.

I know why sex becomes an addiction for some people.

You can completely lose yourself in it.

There is a dark angel with the longest eyelashes I have ever


and somehow he came into my life and captured my heart..

This angel has told me repeatedly that he cannot stay for long.

And so I must live in the moment and remember that he is an

angel and not of this world.

SO when this angel holds me , sometimes tears roll down my

cheeks and he does not know.

I just have one question. How many times in my life is my heart

to be destroyed?

September 1, 2000

September 1st 9:09 a.m.

Alive. A beautiful morning. the rain has been coming down all night and now the light is so dreamy and the view out my window is lush and moist. i have not slept all night. too much adrenaline in my body. Last night coming down a hill in my black pickup truck on a street flooded with rain, a car in front of me spun out of control. i saw it happen like a movie sped up. it happened too fast for me to do much but swerve and try not to slam on the brakes and skid on the flooded road and hit a telephone pole or mailbox or oncoming car. nevertheless i landed in a ditch off the road completely spun around facing the other way. it shook me up but after composing myself for several minutes and a gentleman running over to see if i was okay and pushing me back on the road as i eased down the gas pedal , i got home heart racing but physically unhurt except for some pain and stiff muscles now in my neck .

Can there be anything more full of life at this moment than to be held and kissed and squeezed by the one you love deeply ?

Yes. To hold them and kiss them back.

Are you there? Are you reading this? I miss you. Make love to me.

“I’m with you to forget my loneliness…”

August 31, 2000

august 31 7:29 a.m.

without trust there is no intimacy

without trust there is no us

i sit at my desk looking up at the sky through the trees as it

grows light

somewhere lovers are still sleeping

her head lays against his chest as his arm holds her to him


or his body curls against her’s from behind as they lay in semi –

fetal position

or perhaps they are making love in the cool morning air and blue


where are you ? you sleep this very moment in our bed.

the sense of loss

August 30, 2000

tonight i am thinking about a friend and wishing her well.

August 27, 2000

August 27 3:00 a.m.

Coming soon- a section about Disburden Disciple ONE which is the beginning of the series of cds I am doing with the concept of healing and the search for ‘fulfillment.’

We will have sound samples and some lyrics and a new photo of me with this shorter and lighter hair. The process of transforming my outer self is intentionally part of the concept of Disburden Disciple with every cover a portrait documenting the phases. By the final cd of the series of DD, I will look remarkably different from the portrait on this first c.d. The idea is to go more and more towards the light with each portrait.

Very few people have heard the finished first volume of this series. I am very close to the material yet I can hear the evolution that has taken place from Anhedoniac and the hints of where I am going.

What I am writing now and what will be thrown into the mix with the following DD releases appears on this first cd. Melodies , rhythms. textures in an unexpected way perhaps….and even a tribute to Uriah Heep at the end of a track !

Ms. Renee Nelson and I will begin rehearsels tonight for CMJ New York in October. We are planning an intimate special performance of piano and voice – (quite unlike The Living Jarboe in January at the Knitting Factory with full rock band arrangements). We both realize the chaos and craziness that awaits us. Come out and support us if you can get to NYC ! IN the audience, here is what I want you to do: Whoop and holler ! cheer, wildly applaud us!

We will each give you a kiss and a hug if you do!

And wear the new Living Jarboe tshirt and you will get a lipstick imprint on your copy of DD ONE !

PREYER, the project with Nicole Boitos . A beautiful silk bag with lovely drawings and text fragments. Put them all out in front of you since they are intentionally not bound! And look for ‘hidden meaning.’ psychedelic, baby…

Tonight when I was walking the trail in my Reeboks, a black snake shimmied by my feet. Last night another kind of black snake was in my dream. Whats with these black snakes already? IS that witch casting spells again? Did I ever tell you my witch story? I will in a future Artery…..

And hey – the guy who posted about my ‘rock’ ness? That is a compliment on the highest order for me. Heres the secret, I am a Rocker at heart ! That is why I joined Swans – because to me they rocked so Hard…