December 20, 2000

Dec 20

Trying to find my way back to myself.

I became a part of you and so I must find who I am again without you.

Without you.

The words go in deep and cut into me.

I must face my fears and not worry about the future.

Love will come to me again as I become myself again.

Alone.

December 19, 2000

December 19

Today Atlanta is covered in snow.

The air fresh and cold and silent.

I went out –feeling distracted and restless.

Alive.

Visited an abandoned building — went inside and took photos— memories – I ‘ lost my virginity’ there ….

Now the wrecking ball.

An awareness of time. An awareness of history.

Let us be real and let us be here.

December 18, 2000

18 DEC.

Jo pyar se kiya jata hai wo achey ya burey se zaeda hai.

December 17, 2000

Dec 16

I woke up to snow flurries.

Today I decorated my Xmas tree. I still have an ornament of a snowman I made when I was 5 years old. I also have ornaments that were my mother’s and my grandmother’s !

Centennial Park (downtown ) is incredibly beautiful now. There are more lights than usual for the holidays.

Toying with the extravagant but beautiful idea of going to New York and staying at the Hudson Hotel and midnight mass at St John the Divine..just for the Xmas weekend without telling anyone I am even in town. I have my own private love affair with New York City. Sometimes I miss her a lot…Afterall, a sizeable chunk of my soul resides there…………..

ETRE BIEN DANS SA PEAU…………………………..

December 16, 2000

Dec 16

I leave for L.A. on January 8.

Friends and enthusiasm and good energy wait for me there… It will be a good trip. I can feel it.

Trying to be in the moment now. Feel every drop of rain.

Today I am going to put up a Christmas tree and decorate it with all the ornaments from my childhood.

Breathe in the moist cool air as I run. As I run for my body and my spirit.

At least I am not stagnant in terms of self growth.

And that surely is a good thing

along with the painful resignation ….

December 15, 2000

Dec 15

I wrote a new song today for the ‘Men’ album.

Feeling acutely aware of being alone.

There is no one available to me that I truly connect with any more in all the ways I wish to connect.

The strong sense of self and the isolation engulfs me.

I will continue to run an hour a day and lift weights. Taking it slowly as since I hurt my shoulder in a car accident several years ago, my shoulder has been unpredictable in terms of sudden pain.

Going through all the things I have accumulated in my life. I will clear out this house of hundreds of things. I no longer want so many things in my life.

Many live lives of furious destraction. They no longer introspect or desire to face anoter truth than what they have deemed comfortable.

I cannot have such a life.

I will continue to face my many flaws and ugly truths and determine to get the chip off my shoulder and listen to criticism so that I will be open to the truth.

I have let someone down.

I let the most important person in my present life–down.

And I will suffer for this for the rest of my life.

I will not be forgiven because the one I let down has removed me from their mind and their heart.

I have to face up to the fact that I was abusive. I have to face up to the fact that I was not truly ready for what I entered into and blindly I stumbled and crushed the spirit of the one person who loved me completely.

I hate myself for this.

I am spo angry at myslef for this.

I struggle to endure my own previous shortcomings and the knowledge that no matter what I do.. now…makes no difference any more to the person I hurt.

What have I done?

I only I could see and know what I know now.. If only I had had more time …

I will not be ready to forgive my mistakes for a long time.

I lived and worked with a man for 14 years. I was not truly ready for another man in my life until recently. But he came inot my life immediately when the 14 years relationship ended…I know I was angry and difficult to be around…. But I have changed and I am a different person and still activly growing and changing… I wish I could be seen again and given another chance by the man I now seemed to have lost.

I have made mistakes.

But there is no one to forgive me. And I cannot forgive myself. At least not yet. Too much was at stake for me to have risked or gambled. I will be in love with him for the rest of my life.

December 13, 2000

Dec 13

Last night I was in the company of a man I have always liked but had not gotten to know –who was attentive and respectful and funny and full of insight and full of compassion and good energy. He said he could tell I was a good person. And I know that he is a good person. Just from being in that light, I felt high all night long. Being around someone who eminates hostility and resentment is very damaging to one’s psyche.

I cannot allow that energy to enter me any more.

I have begun the process of seeking counseling with a woman therapist that I hope can point me to the tools I now need to use to move forward in my life emotionally.

The ongoing damage of this situation with this man who has so bitterly spit out his anger in my face has got to stop and I am going to make it stop.

I hope that each of us can take responsibity for our own words and actions and stop hurting each other.

I have not given up faith in him in my life . I want us to be close even if only friends but the loss of him as my lover is a great and terrible tragedy.

December 13, 2000

Dec 13

Last night I was in the company of a man I have always liked but had not gotten to know –who was attentive and respectful and funny and full of insight and full of compassion and good energy. He said he could tell I was a good person. And I know that he is a good person. Just from being in that light, I felt high all night long. Being around someone who eminates hostility and resentment is very damaging to one’s psyche.

I cannot allow that energy to enter me any more.

I have begun the process of seeking counseling with a woman therapist that I hope can point me to the tools I now need to use to move forward in my life emotionally.

The ongoing damage of this situation with this man who has so bitterly spit out his anger in my face has got to stop and I am going to make it stop.

I hope that each of us can take responsibity for our own words and actions and stop hurting each other.

I have not given up faith in him in my life . I want us to be close even if only friends but the loss of him as my lover is a great and terible tragedy.

December 11, 2000

Dec 12 10:19 p.m.

Today I was happy.

I ran for an hour and fifteen minutes in the morning and felt so energized later on that I worked out with my weights for around 40 minutes.

I have intensified my St John’s Wort and B -complex . Also a Myoplex bar before I ran.

Have begun two books: Memoirs Of A Geisha and The Ice Opinion.

Had a productive day. Bagged up a lot of items to give to friends, and also to give to charity.

I love this house in the evening. Especially the black walls by candlelight in the living room and the intense satin gold walls of the bedroom. I love this moment … the house , the land, my pickup truck and little things I have realized suddenly –like the surprise that my body has become thinner. Yeah. ok. The weight loss has been brought about by the inability to eat as a result of the pain of losing the love of the man I adored ……but hey –now that I am this slender again, it feels good to be light.

How is that for a silver lining !

This week a friend and I see PJ Harvey in concert. And I am looking forward to dinner with a person I hope to get to know better as a friend tomorrow night. I need friends here. People I find kind and interesting who care about getting to know me. Who respect me.

Rejection by your lover does something really powerful to you. I will never forget the pain . Was it worth it?

He was worth it, yes.

The poetry is beginning to flow again …. The next recordings for MEN will have a fluid rhythmic trance-like feel with strong basslines.

I think I’m going back to San Francisco in early January.

inspirational : Erzulie Danto http://ux1.eiu.edu/~cfrb/haitianvodou.htm

thank you my friend.

December 10, 2000

Dec 10

I have started mega-intensive running again. If I do it in the morning, I feel relaxed all day. This may be the key to getting back to optimal functioning.

I have been confused and lost —– but it is all up to me to find the path once again and correct the mistakes I have made in the past and —-begin again.

i will continue to love unashamed but not expect love in return.

I will continue to move forward without a chip on my shoulder.

I will not react with anger to constructive criticism said to me because those things are said from a place of compassion.

And if I feel afraid of being alone or longing of another woman’s relationship with a man who worships her, i will remember :

We are afterall all of us alone in the world.

I will continue to love him for the rest of my life no matter what. And I hope he will be happy and have a good life.