September 26, 2000

Sept 26

There is all this talk in the media about people wanting instant downloadable music —– but when we sent out our own research from the sites, the overwhelming response was that they loved holding the object in their hands complete with the artwork presentation . After thinking this over, I realized that the people who buy my work as well as Swans and Michael’s..are more about the artist than the ‘song.’ For the people who listen to commercial ”play the hits'” stations, I can see how they are more about the song than the artist and they would be satisfied with downloading singles.

I think even this status will change in the future. Just as more and more people grow up with technology who of course never held a record cover in thier hands ..the time will come when there will be people who will have never held a cd booklet in their hands…


September 25, 2000

Sept 25

If you subscribe to the discussion list, yes for some reason it has been down for several days. We have notified support. Hopefully it will be resolved soon?

I’m not inspired tonight.

i can see too clearly.

I feel weight bearing down upon me and very very mortal .

and there are so many “variables”


September 23, 2000

Sept 23

wow. the legend lives on ! the Swans site has just clicked over once again to all zeros and so now — to two million plus hits. two million and 405 as I write this! the webmaster will need to change the one to two as the only thing that is automated is the clicker. somebody out there is checking it out…. personally i think it is aliens from another planet plotting world domination through music….

I went to see a peripherally music film that a friend was involved with tonight — because 1. Scott is so cool and i was really proud as the credits rolled at the end, and because 2. i was lucky enough to go to the ‘wrap party’ , and because 3. the director has the desire and gift to tell a compelling story and turn a film into a timeless classic — no matter in what cultural era it may be set , and because 4. when I congratulated the director on his rare singing performance at his film party last year with Ann and Nancy Wilson (of the band Heart), he responded by saying that –coming from me it meant quite a lot.


For me, Almost Famous is a very un-today’s Hollywood, quiet film –about self growth. FInding yourself. Even though a lot of camera attention is reverently focused on the pivotal female character (featured on the posters for the movie at every bus stop in America right now), the story is really told from the point of view of another character. This character is a savvy 15 year old ‘music journalist ‘ who still lives with his mother, has very ”parental’ phone calls from his mother when on the road with a rock band covering his first assignment for Rolling Stone — and has left home for this assignment –as a virgin. But even though sex and drugs and rock and roll — and rebellion and experimentation –are ingredients in the film, they are not used in an exploitative manner or even dramatized. Hollywood has numbed us . But when a film like this comes along out of the Hollywood system, it stands out because it is reaching into us from a human voice that is personal and real. The rock guitar ‘golden god’ in the film speaks about his longing for what is ‘real’.. A middle class lamp shade and suburban kitchen have him joyous…….

Touring is a very unreal world. You get over stimulated with the chaos and contantly moving from place to place. Friends and any respite from this ‘world’ become precious commodities.

This film is based on the real life of director Cameron Crowe. And even though films based on real stories are made in Hollywood regularly,this one still stands out. The appropriate choice in this case not to use a lot of big stars who can sometimes take away for the story itself and steal every scene because we cannot get away from the fact that they are who they are– and the overall low-key and intimate way the story opens to us — make this ultimately not a typically sensationalistic Hollywood film or a rock and roll film — but an affectionate and gentle film clearly made from love.


September 21, 2000

Sept. 21 Thursday

Emotional maturity is when you finally truly realize you have no mommy to run to who will kiss it and make it all better. I can understand why people live insular lives. Everyday they go to a job where they have a routine. They come home to a dinner and perhaps an evening of t.v. They want the comfort of this routine where for the most part things are ‘known’ and the unexpected is looked at as an intruder.

They want their life to be safe.

Have I done this in my life? Not at all.

And I walk a tight rope with no net.

September 20, 2000

Sept 20

Self image is an interesting process illusion. Last night I saw the results of the photo shoot for Disburden Disciple : One . With two feet of long dark red hair gone – replaced by choppy shoulder length hair with light streaks and a completely different manner of dress –(I haven’t worn 3 inch high heels in AWHILE !) i look at the images curiously and think about process and how it is we define ourselves to ourselves.

Change is a good thing. It breaks up stagnation and stimulates self-growth and challenges our perception.

I keep pushing – refusing to ‘settle’ into something I then define as ‘me.’

And I’m still a disciple of “disburden.”

Had an epiphany in the truck two days ago about DD: Two. Yes, a ‘concept album’ – but so radical (for me) that I can barely contain my excitement. And it takes a LOT to get me really excited.

If it goes as I dream it to go, it will be noticed beyond my current realm and into the uncharted territories of a new meeting of minds– ——-and voices!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

******************************************************************* COMING SOON TO A WEBSITE NEAR YOU:

Look for those photos from my exciting trip to L.A. last fall in their own category in Pictures very soon now. With love to Scott at Vinyl Films for making that trip happen ! (Hey—Be SURE to go see: Almost Famous.)

ALso more pictures of Tokyo – including some at Trevor Brown’s studio with a deep bow to mentor and close friend , C.P.

AND last but not least —–by any means, some photos with the SEXY Maynard James Keenan ,after the excellent and exciting Perfect Circle show here in Atlanta.

I love you.

September 18, 2000

Sept 18 1:54 A.M.

Time and time again it is proven true to me in my life.

Happiness is a tiny glimpse of something that accompanies the “little things.” Like what I felt substantially a moment ago sipping my cup of sweetened and spiced warm milk, wearing the first pair of long pajamas for the change in season and realizing that in the past two days, several good friends have called me just to say hello and see how I am and “want “absolutely nothing .

A friend who is a psychologist tells me to question what it is i think I will get from a relationship with a man and why do I feel incomplete if I do not have a man with which to share my life and be intimate. He tells me to be fearless and love myself above all else. He tells me I do not face my own strength even when it has shown itself to me again and again. He takes me back to past accomplishments and says you have proven yourself. You must use who you are.


I want you to know – yes you reading this now—-that I love you . I hope to have a camera here in the future so that when I write this or answer email or compose text on the computer, I can be seen. This was my original idea with how to illustrate the title of this site. I want to attempt to use this format to break down barriers . It is impossible for me to answer –with as much attention I would like –all the emails I receive and read from all over the world every week. So I hope that I can take advantage of this privledge of speaking to you in this way and be real with you and share my true love for you ,the person who cares about my work.

Today I mowed the lawn. The leaves are beginning to fall as autumn approaches. To me it seems like the summer was so short….Time to get a flu vaccine.


September 15, 2000

Sept 15 4:13 P.M.

A windy early Autumn day.

Working on the material I wil be recording in New York in October when I go up to participate in the CMJ Music Marathon. 4 new songs written in Tokyo which will go on to Disburden Disciple: Two —intersperced with previously recorded unreleased material done in the Middle East as well as Atlanta.

The BLENDER event here in November in Atlanta is growing to where it is being moved AGAIN. SO the venue is TBA (to be announced) once again ! Apolgies for the confusion. Details asap.

September 14, 2000

September 14 5:41 a.m.

The Atlanta performance will now be on November 11 at a club called Mumbo Jumbo. It is not a rock club or a regular concert venue, so it should prove to be an interesting experience for us. This is an event from the club and a local arts and culture guide here in Atlanta called Tonic. is the website for more info.

I am looking for a new and special guitarist for this one event. Because this is a theatrical presentation and the guitarist must fit in with the look of the other players, the guitarist must be tall and able to sing and perform choreographed moves while playing . A strong stage presence and groomed style is essential. No drinkers or druggies. Rehearsals will be in the Atlanta area.

If you are interested in being considered for this position, send a photo and bio/ resume as well as tape or cd of your playing to The Living Jarboe Box 420232 ATL GA 30342

or email all but your music (no sound files please) to

We are still waiting for our venue confirmation for NYC during the CMJ conference. I have been promised this info by next Monday. As SOON as I know, so will you !


September 11, 2000

Sept 11 2:09

Last night, my lover embraced me and through his warrior angels , he empowered me and inspired me. My lover is always there and waits patiently for me to come into his arms. No one can take his place and no one fills my heart with strength and communion of pure spirit like he does.

My lover ‘s name is Music.

The warrior angels are named Renee and Chandler.

Rehearsals have begun. I am so encouraged and excited.

The three of us are scripting drama for New York CMJ.

Our lovemaking is an intensely passionate dance.

Now. Let’s kick some ass.

September 9, 2000

September 9 5:04 A.M.

things on my troubled mind tonight. my cd, cmj, the shows, the video, my mother, today’s photo shoot, and …….

“you’re not in love. you want to possess.” he told me. “i don’t think about a relationship. i don’t want a relationship. ”

someone else who cares as a friend is concerned about me and tells me to move on from “an insignificant aspect of your future, a burden to your spiritual growth, a broken footbridge , a torrent of tears.”

not surprisingly , unable to sleep.

tomorrow i must run for an hour. blast myself with endorphins.

had shoot with photographer Erica Dines for my cd cover and the website.

looking forward to rehearsing on Sunday. Must give everything to the music. The music is the one thing that does not let me down.

in the wise words of Scott Michael Martin :


You are in love.

The deepest pain imaginable.

We all pine for the deepest pain imaginable, and it eventually comes, and we ALL go, “Fuck. This is the deepest pain imaginable.”

We are all insane.