August 21, 2000

21 August 2:45 a.m.

Driving home tonight on the interstate in a thunderstorm during a torrential downpour. when trucks zoomed by, the water shot up over my truck . it was like driving through a river. I drove over an hour like this with my flashers on barely able to see the road or what was around me.

My shoulders are still full of tension. Is there anyone out there who will give me a back massage? I feel like I’m wearing this tension. It is a living thing attached to my back, shoulders, and neck.

When I get home, an hour and a half later, the storm has left my area and there is a fresh and gentle wind moving the tree tops and I stand in my driveway and close my eyes and listen to the crickets and the cicadas and sense the full psychedelic effect of that incredible ‘sensurround’ sound. The tones mixed by the breeze stimulate part of the brain and it sounds ancient and alien and disconcerting – as it sounds comforting.

I have a strong sense of aloneness ; a strong sense of myself tonight. And a strong sense of history and the knowledge that all of the emotions I have felt in the past have come and gone.

They are gone.

And the time has come to put together another show for New York !

August 17, 2000


It’s a good thing to be open to criticism and not resentful and defensive to it. Sure it can hurt. But so what? I was told tonight that my self -growth is not progressing at a sufficient level. It’s a gift to hear and take into consideration such observations from a person you trust. I realize that I must let those words touch me but not let them affect my self -esteem or confidence even though I will think about ways to grow .

and remember. no matter what. you are alone on this earth. don’t compromise your inner dialogue with yourself , your inner love and caregiving to yourself.

tend to your heart.

no one and nothing is worth so much for you to betray that…..


August 13, 2000

August 13

track listing for Disburden Disciple . vol 1 OF 4 :

1. bound 2. consume me 3. dear 666 4. kiss of life 5. scorpion 6. under 7. the seance 8. forbid 9. forgive 10. scarification 11. pure war

subject matter: cannibalism. bondage. resusitation.possession. scars. = love

August 10, 2000

august 10

living dangerously.

online during a thunder and lightning storm.

but theres a cool caressing breeze which means: no mosquitos.

the hammock is calling.

finished DD volume one of four btw available here in september

around 67 minutes long

11 tracks

“we trace the scars of our life…”


August 7, 2000

august 7

its 3:00 a.m. and several little crickets are crawling around exploring my macintosh as i once again hear the chorus of cicadas outside the window. i ‘d love to have a web-cam in here so anyone who is interested can see my ‘”live” as i write these things…

this afternoon was spent in the business section of Borders books reading about entrepreneurship and business plans.

tonight , i’ve been listening to the pieces that will go on the first of the Disburden series in preparation for mastering on wednesday. choosing between mixes and determining cross-fades, etc. trying for the right combination for this introduction to what will be a 2 and possibly 3 cd set all under the theme of Disburden Disciple.

hey- it’s been brought to my attention that it was most probably Maynard of Tool / APC who was quoted in that Terrorizer article i mentioned. i plan on attending the concert of A Perfect Circle here in atlanta, btw. as always, thanks to the personal replies to what i write here (and based on what is written, there are some very smart and perceptive people out there who come to this site) and also to the inquiries as to when that list of coming projects on my home page is finally going to be available! i’m working on it , believe me —and it will be very soon now .

keep me posted.

love my reeboks.


August 3, 2000

August 3 2:08 a.m.

forgive the following typos i know i will probably make because i am sleepy!

sitting here at my desk in front of the wall of open windows listening to the cicadas and the mixes of new material from Disburden Disciple at a low volume from my apple computer cd player. i’m finally going to make Disburden available to the visitors of my site very soon and i am really looking forward to it. TANK will be doing the design for the cd as well as the redesign of my website. i will also launch an email subscription list for updates courtesy of Todd Zino who created the secure online ordering and this artery secion of the site —also man about town mr. Michael Overstreet has been a huge help in updating both this site and the SWANS site.

i’m about to give Mr. Overstreet recent photos taken at the Pink Dots show and CMJ and a bunch of other cool stuff to post for both sites.

i will have some news for those of you can make it to atlanta for a fun event coming up this fall for which i will be a part off with a special performance. can’t say any more yet. will email certain persons in my address book (i save the emails of special letters i get every week) and hopefully some of you will consider traveling because i’d like to greet you in person if you are reading this.

oh—and those threats i was getting? they stopped after i mentioned them here ! so..? interesting? maybe i scared them off!

what else?…………. my good friend Mitch from the killer band, Pineal Ventana , helped me enter the golden realm recently. Thanks Mitch!

and gal Penny and I had a chat last week in that most intimate of spots, The Cleremont Lounge after Mr. Tim Hale and Penny and I stopped by the POLARIS . THE HIPPEST PLACE IN ATLANTA HANDS DOWN. does it have a scene? NO but its still the real deal in terms of architecture and and vibe and if you scene makers/organizers in ATL have a clue you will use this space for your events. Fortunately I don’t think those folks read Artery so my favorite place is safe!

Oh yeah, a nod to Billy Howerdel of the new acclaimed project, A Perfect Circle, for his words about SWANS in the August issue of the U.K. magazine, Terrorizer. Thanks very much Billy.

And also past due thanks to all those who read and work for Terrorizer for naming Swans in the best of the decade list.


July 31, 2000

July 31

First, a shameless endorsement and a big kiss to Joshua at the Reebok company. I love my fantastic work-out boots and running shoes.

Last night, 80 mph on the interstate in a downpour. The cab of the truck is cold with the a/c and I’m performing an intellectual exercise; analyzing a modern soul/groove sound as it slinks from the speakers. The filtering/ processing on top of the mix- something done in the mastering- makes the sound quality synthetic / blurry as if behind an audio veil.

It is hard to me to listen to it (I am not making any qualitative statement of the performance or composition)—-even though I think the purpose of this veil is to be soothing and addictive —–and as the next song comes on with the same veil on top of the mix, I am aware of my actual suffering as I no longer in my mind run through the possible sound tools / effects that have been thrown on top of the music but realize that for me to listen to this is an act of endurance.

Something not synthesized but REAL – in the same genre – like Motown or Aretha Franklin or even something like the string sound on the guitar on my own song ‘Honey’ from Anhedoniac- would be as fresh and full of life as the rain – charged air as I shut off the music and the a/c , roll down the window, and BREATHE IN to my full lung capacity…

aaaaaaaaa hhhhhhhhh.

………………………………………………………………… ………………………………..

July 26, 2000

July 26 1:35 A.M.

when you open yourself to another, be prepared to be challenged and even hear things that could to a pedestrian view – be interpreted as harsh, rude and even cruel. there are a couple of people now that i have allowed ‘beyond the barricade’. one is an intellectual exchange with someone i have known off and on for several years and who came into my life on a professional basis but has now transcended that into someone who is always ready to exchange , challenge, and engage with me. there is also someone i have known for a couple of years whom i view as a partner. sometimes this person is harsh in his commentary and i may instinctively want to hide and be alone, hold my head in my hands. and feel the weight of remembering just how alone i really am. and then with this inner heaviness, wearing my face and my demeanor like a mask and listening to the inner voice that reminds me who i am and of the loyality i have to my own self , i know that nothing he or anyone says to me matters because they do not know my experience or what i feel or what i think. and i do not have an obligation to explain myself to them. and if i let outside forces decide my attitude– like feeling that my feelings are hurt—, i will be nothing more than a puppet tossed about helplessly. and to do that gives importance to the unimportant. YOU ARE NOT YOUR EMOTIONS. emotions come and emotions go. One day you are happy. The next you are sad. None of it is real. None of it is YOU. do not become a slave to your emotions. The most efficient way i have found to balance is to go off on my own and run and walk and experience Hard vigorous exercise. being in touch with the physical body and the connection your mental chemistry has with it. I cannot state that enough. The mental chemistry your thoughts and feelings /moods, have with your body’s condition. exercise is amazing ‘therapy.’

on a related note, in one of my recent good exchanges with a third person i respect, M.G., , I asked him what he would say is a positive thing to do when one has that feeling of being ‘hurt’ and his reply was : ‘let it go through you’……….

don’t let it touch you just let it go through you………….


July 25, 2000

July 25 1:10 a.m.

There is a beautiful cool breeze tonight and I am enjoying such rare luxury on a July night in Georgia.

Lately – I am startled by an undeniable profound sense of developing communion with someone I have known for over two years but am only now really seeing beyond the initial layer of our interaction into the vastness of our connection.

From the ashes……………

I will not place expectations. Let me open my eyes to it.

“and the river of fire consumes all things..”


July 22, 2000

July 22

Last night, an incredible burst of power surging through my whole body as I ran. I decided as a personal challenge to overtake and pass a man with impressive form who was some distance ahead of me. To do this I would have to take a hill with no hesitation and not break stride even though with this intense summer heat —-waves of sweat rolled down my body. My hair and clothing were soaked. On top of this I had to overcome my ‘training’ shoes which are well….not exactly sleek. Even with these obstacles, I not only ‘shut him down’, I prevailed until the end of the course even though I heard his breath getting closer the while time. When he got to the parking lot to drive home, I was stretching out with my head down between my knees breathing like a racehorse. I looked up at him and he stood there with his hands on his hips and nodded at me and smiled. I smiled back feeling the glow of winning. Without a word he got into his Z-3 and gunned it – leaving me in his dust.

to be continued? … …