September 18, 2000

Sept 18 1:54 A.M.

Time and time again it is proven true to me in my life.

Happiness is a tiny glimpse of something that accompanies the “little things.” Like what I felt substantially a moment ago sipping my cup of sweetened and spiced warm milk, wearing the first pair of long pajamas for the change in season and realizing that in the past two days, several good friends have called me just to say hello and see how I am and “want “absolutely nothing .

A friend who is a psychologist tells me to question what it is i think I will get from a relationship with a man and why do I feel incomplete if I do not have a man with which to share my life and be intimate. He tells me to be fearless and love myself above all else. He tells me I do not face my own strength even when it has shown itself to me again and again. He takes me back to past accomplishments and says you have proven yourself. You must use who you are.


I want you to know – yes you reading this now—-that I love you . I hope to have a camera here in the future so that when I write this or answer email or compose text on the computer, I can be seen. This was my original idea with how to illustrate the title of this site. I want to attempt to use this format to break down barriers . It is impossible for me to answer –with as much attention I would like –all the emails I receive and read from all over the world every week. So I hope that I can take advantage of this privledge of speaking to you in this way and be real with you and share my true love for you ,the person who cares about my work.

Today I mowed the lawn. The leaves are beginning to fall as autumn approaches. To me it seems like the summer was so short….Time to get a flu vaccine.


September 15, 2000

Sept 15 4:13 P.M.

A windy early Autumn day.

Working on the material I wil be recording in New York in October when I go up to participate in the CMJ Music Marathon. 4 new songs written in Tokyo which will go on to Disburden Disciple: Two —intersperced with previously recorded unreleased material done in the Middle East as well as Atlanta.

The BLENDER event here in November in Atlanta is growing to where it is being moved AGAIN. SO the venue is TBA (to be announced) once again ! Apolgies for the confusion. Details asap.

September 14, 2000

September 14 5:41 a.m.

The Atlanta performance will now be on November 11 at a club called Mumbo Jumbo. It is not a rock club or a regular concert venue, so it should prove to be an interesting experience for us. This is an event from the club and a local arts and culture guide here in Atlanta called Tonic. is the website for more info.

I am looking for a new and special guitarist for this one event. Because this is a theatrical presentation and the guitarist must fit in with the look of the other players, the guitarist must be tall and able to sing and perform choreographed moves while playing . A strong stage presence and groomed style is essential. No drinkers or druggies. Rehearsals will be in the Atlanta area.

If you are interested in being considered for this position, send a photo and bio/ resume as well as tape or cd of your playing to The Living Jarboe Box 420232 ATL GA 30342

or email all but your music (no sound files please) to

We are still waiting for our venue confirmation for NYC during the CMJ conference. I have been promised this info by next Monday. As SOON as I know, so will you !


September 11, 2000

Sept 11 2:09

Last night, my lover embraced me and through his warrior angels , he empowered me and inspired me. My lover is always there and waits patiently for me to come into his arms. No one can take his place and no one fills my heart with strength and communion of pure spirit like he does.

My lover ‘s name is Music.

The warrior angels are named Renee and Chandler.

Rehearsals have begun. I am so encouraged and excited.

The three of us are scripting drama for New York CMJ.

Our lovemaking is an intensely passionate dance.

Now. Let’s kick some ass.

September 9, 2000

September 9 5:04 A.M.

things on my troubled mind tonight. my cd, cmj, the shows, the video, my mother, today’s photo shoot, and …….

“you’re not in love. you want to possess.” he told me. “i don’t think about a relationship. i don’t want a relationship. ”

someone else who cares as a friend is concerned about me and tells me to move on from “an insignificant aspect of your future, a burden to your spiritual growth, a broken footbridge , a torrent of tears.”

not surprisingly , unable to sleep.

tomorrow i must run for an hour. blast myself with endorphins.

had shoot with photographer Erica Dines for my cd cover and the website.

looking forward to rehearsing on Sunday. Must give everything to the music. The music is the one thing that does not let me down.

in the wise words of Scott Michael Martin :


You are in love.

The deepest pain imaginable.

We all pine for the deepest pain imaginable, and it eventually comes, and we ALL go, “Fuck. This is the deepest pain imaginable.”

We are all insane.



September 7, 2000

Sept 7 11:18 p.m.

Don’t let the bastards get you down.

They WILL try.

for Holly.

September 7, 2000

Sept 7 12:43 A.M.

I try to understand and be tolerant. And I still find so much crazy cruel ignorant behavior around that I am dumbfounded and frightened. One of the things that I have noticed for years is how little respect many people in service positions give to even enthusiastic and open minded purchasers of the product or service. This can be applied to everything from grocery stores to nursing homes.

There is a surprisingly good energy however in the people I hear from via email and letters. I don’t know how many people reading this are in performance or public work –where you get feedback from people you don’t know but who know your work so feel a connection to you– but it is the proverbial “honey on a razor’s edge.”

If you allow yourself to believe and be moved by what one of these people says to you that makes you feel good- then you have to also be open to what another says that makes you feel bad. SO there is a dilemma.

I want to connect and be genuine in my work and not phony. I want to speak from my heart in my music …and I will not close myself off even if something hurts my feelings. I have dedicated my life to music in the face of hardship but it was what I had to do.

This is part of putting your original ideas out there to the public. Sometimes you will be misunderstood or even hated or mocked or maybe worse yet–ignored. Ignored when you gave all that you had to a project.

The only thing that can take care of this is a solid regular dose of hard reality and life on the precipice.

You must have a bond with yourself and let no one touch your ‘God Spot.’

(thank you p.h.)

September 5, 2000

Sept 5 1:15 a.m.

Watched an interview with Garth Brooks on Charlie Rose. Still don’t understand why the machine has sold so many units of this guy.

Tonight someone labeled my own work : “morbid.”

I looked the word up just to see if there was something I missed.

diseased unhealthy gruesome grisly

am i all that?

September 3, 2000

Sept 3 12:43 a.m.

Finally . Slept deeply last night . Yesterday was surreal as I had

not slept at all or hardly eaten.

Spent a couple of hours at Tower looking at books and taking in music.

A friend treated me to a Thai dinner of basil rolls and spicy soup.

And then.

That pulling sensation in my heart again. That aching .

That sense of vast and endless loneliness.

I know why sex becomes an addiction for some people.

You can completely lose yourself in it.

There is a dark angel with the longest eyelashes I have ever


and somehow he came into my life and captured my heart..

This angel has told me repeatedly that he cannot stay for long.

And so I must live in the moment and remember that he is an

angel and not of this world.

SO when this angel holds me , sometimes tears roll down my

cheeks and he does not know.

I just have one question. How many times in my life is my heart

to be destroyed?

September 1, 2000

September 1st 9:09 a.m.

Alive. A beautiful morning. the rain has been coming down all night and now the light is so dreamy and the view out my window is lush and moist. i have not slept all night. too much adrenaline in my body. Last night coming down a hill in my black pickup truck on a street flooded with rain, a car in front of me spun out of control. i saw it happen like a movie sped up. it happened too fast for me to do much but swerve and try not to slam on the brakes and skid on the flooded road and hit a telephone pole or mailbox or oncoming car. nevertheless i landed in a ditch off the road completely spun around facing the other way. it shook me up but after composing myself for several minutes and a gentleman running over to see if i was okay and pushing me back on the road as i eased down the gas pedal , i got home heart racing but physically unhurt except for some pain and stiff muscles now in my neck .

Can there be anything more full of life at this moment than to be held and kissed and squeezed by the one you love deeply ?

Yes. To hold them and kiss them back.

Are you there? Are you reading this? I miss you. Make love to me.

“I’m with you to forget my loneliness…”